HomeCaregivingHolidays may not be the best time to talk turkey – Part 1

Holidays may not be the best time to talk turkey – Part 1

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You’ve probably heard the expression, “timing is everything.” That statement is especially true when it comes to talking to aging parents and about sensitive eldercare-related subjects.

Think about a past situation when an important conversation, which you initiated, went haywire. Perhaps Mom was distracted and didn’t respond to your question, or Dad postponed the conversation telling you that he was too tired to talk. And who hasn’t experienced a scenario when other family members (siblings especially) disrupt your conversation — purposely or otherwise — and show no respect and little concern for the discussion in progress between you and your parents?

When the timing of important conversations is not right, you sense it. Nothing you say is well received and none of your suggestions are readily accepted.

Instead of blaming your parents for not listening or being responsive, perhaps a “timing” check might be in order. A well-timed conversation enhances the likelihood of being heard and reaching consensus.

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Arrange the ideal place to talk.

Once you have a particular topic in mind, decide whether to conduct your conversation in person or over the phone. These days, with family members living far apart, it’s tempting to talk about important eldercare needs via the wires. But before you dial that number be aware that reading facial expressions and body language plays an important part in knowing when to change communication tactics or to back off altogether.

For example, how will you know if your parent is nervous or uncomfortable — frowning, tapping a foot, or looking at the clock — or know whether your parent seems relaxed — smiling and looking you in the eyes? Reading body language will help. Physically being there allows you to acknowledge your parent in various ways such as moving your body forward (or away), touching, nodding your head, and making eye contact.

If you choose to talk face-to-face, think ahead as to where to have the conversation. Pick a quiet place where your parent can clearly hear what you are saying and a location that is free from distractions. As a rule, holiday family parties are not an ideal time to discuss eldercare needs. Such gatherings tend to revive historical relationship patterns; and other family members who are present may purposely sabotage your efforts.

A restaurant setting also has its limitations. Uninterrupted conversations are practically impossible in such a location, and parents can easily feel as though they are on the hot seat with nowhere to run. Setting aside time to talk doesn’t mean that you have to hold a formal meeting. Sometimes the best discussions take place while you’re driving the car or puttering around the kitchen.

Click Here to read Part 2.

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Joy Loverde is the author of the best-seller, The Complete Eldercare Planner (Random House, 2009) and Who Will Take Care Of Me When I Am Old? (Da Capo, 2017). Joy’s media credits include the Today Show, CBS Early Show, CNN, and National Public Radio among many others. Joy also serves as a mature-market consultant and spokesperson for manufacturers, corporations, law firms, financial institutions, insurance, associations, healthcare organizations, senior housing, and other members of the fast-growing eldercare industry.

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